Shell Hugs CA

Welcome to my web site!

March 30, 2001

Well this site used to be Paul and Shell's. Now it's just Shell. Many of you know our story but others don't. Some know parts of it and some know none of it. A great deal of it I have kept hidden for the past 4 years at the request of Paul. Today I stop hiding and come out of the closet once more.

Here is the basics, not much more needs to be said. Other than I pray each day for my husband and one day I hope he hears those prayers.

Once you have read the journal of Paul and I, you can keep updated on my true life happenings on my real web page. This one was started so he could send his family to one that kept our life hidden and above inspection.


Well it is time to share some very unhappy news.

As of May, Paul and I began exploring seperation. Though it is not what we ever intended nor have we wished for it, it has become our reality.

Life has been difficult for us and through these tough times we have grown a part spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. We have tried to resurrect the old feelings but our marriage as it was is dead and that is where it needs to be. The hurt and pain of the past needs to be burried and the marriage grieved for it was not a positive experience for either of us.

We pray we will come back as one but the chances are slim to none. He's a wonderful person but we had just too much against us to make this work and too little knowledge to have started it with to begin.

I have moved on in many ways, I have old friends back in my life and my home. I have new friends and am enjoying growing. I have grieved my loss and will continue to do so until it has been properly mourned.

I have come out of a suicidal time and into life once again. I refuse to go back. I do not believe God meant for me to kill myself to save the vows. I now look forward to life and to enjoying me, my family and my friends.

Did you know?

Did you know I am worth a lot?

I am worth time, energy and love.
I am a treasure and spread sunshine.
I am a gift from above.
I am devine by God's design.

Did you know I am worth a lot?

I am worth work, cultivation and passion.
I am like rubies, emeralds and diamonds, a rare gem.
I should be treated with care and compasson.
I am special to my friends, I just such a treasure to them.

Did you know I am worth a lot?

I am a revered woman
I am treasured and safe guarded
I must accept nothing less than
Respected, cherished, is how I should be regarded.

Did you know I am worth a lot?

Not only by society but
By myself, I am worth it.
I should accept no less no matter what!
Nothing less shall I permit.

Did you know I am worth a lot?

My friends will do for me
As much as I do for them!
Matched to equal degree
Becasue I am a rare gem.

Did you know I am worth a lot?

I do not shop alone any more
I do not accept lapses in promise
I am not who I was before.

I have grown up and I can take care of myself with God's hand on me. That's the greatest thing I have learned, God's hand is on me. I ran the numbers that I am supposed to pay taxes on this year. I made $17,500 in 2000 without my child support added in. I am below the poverty level yet the Lord provided food, shelter and work for me to meet my daily needs the entire year.

I had no idea that there were things that were not mine to do, I paid the bills, planned the actvities, made the arrangements, fixed the broken, cleaned the dirty, emptied the trash, lugged the groceries, and made the income that made the house run for the last four years, alone. Today that is not my life.

Today I have a wonderful man in my life who I love dearly. I'm not in love with him, I can't be, I'm not over Paul and I have a love who I have wanted to explore for more years than I can count. Once I have explored and once I have recovered, well if he still loves me, if he's still in my life, I know I will be in love with him. In the mean time he's happy to be loved for it's a step towards my being in love.

He lives with me now, circumstances made that happen, it's not what I wanted but I guess it was what God wanted. I have what I never thought possible. He's motivated even when hurting and fighting depression, he loves to keep busy it's how he staves off depression, we talk, we walk, we go places, we argue but I don't believe we have ever had a loud argument, we pray together and read the Bible together, we cherish each other, our families and our friends. I have room to have friends and I am able to enjoy him with my friends.

Funny thing is, when I want to allow people who do not cherish me, that's when we fight. He's says I'm too special not to be paid homage too, to be loved, respected and worshipped. He tells me; he's not worthy or capable of the job, that no man is, that only God is worthy of my love and attention, but that he's going to do his best so everyone else has a taller bar to reach. He makes me coffee and cleans the house, when the job needs to be done he's there before I am, doing the job, so I won't and don't have to. He makes sure my car has fluids and a new battery, he washes my windows so he knows I can see clearly and won't be hurt. He cares for me, when I am tired he holds me, when I cry he hands me a towel and listens, when my heart bursts he picks up the pieces and puts it back together, even when it bursts over Paul. When I look to see what value I have as a person to society, to my family, to my children, to life in general, his words echo in my head. When I hurt, God uses him to send me words of encouragement and when God tells me something to share with him, he hears God!

Thank you Steve!


It's not perfect but it's so refreshing after being so alone. So all those prayers I was saying those 4 years that I thought God wasn't answering or was answering no to, well for four years Steve was planted in one place growing. He was growing as a man in God so he could be a better man to a woman. I am so glad that God answered those prayers with Steve!

Otherwise I would still believe that my value was nothing and might still be fighting to find me.